My Diary...

[SuziNZ]

Well, where do i start?

My Name is Suzanne, but people call me Suzi for short. I live in a small town in New Zealand, and i am 28 years old.

Recently, life has gone so down hill for me, that i'm just waiting for the day that i die. I have no goals, no life ambitions and i basically hate myself.
I feel as though i am a waste of space.
I don' belong anywhere, no one wants me around. It's like: whats the point.

Everyone either over estimates me, or under estimates me, they don't give me credit and make me feel as if i am a  waste of space.

I'm over talked, under listened, no one pays any attention and they think little of me. I'm the last person people really give a care about. Yet they will be the first ones to say 'why didn't you come to me?' if i did anything. Well guess what? I DID!!!
The people who are like: i'll always be there for you' are the first ones to leave.
I guess, rejection is my life.

So, i feel as if i have a black cloud in my head. I want to cry all the time - i have nothing to live for. And on top of that, people don't want me around, unless they want to use me in someway. I'vebeen wanting to self mutilate, even stab myself for a while. Yet, no one would care if i did. I reach for help, and people either give up OR don't wanna know.

The world would be a better place without me, thats for sure.


I met Vicki about a couple of months ago now. She told me about what she does with Quantum BioEnergetics Balancing Techniques, and offered to help.
We tried it for a week, and the results was amazing. But then things happened, life got in the way and it stopped for a while.

We are going to try it again. I really need it because i'm scared what i am going to do to myself.
Life has never been kind for me, so i have basically given up.

Vicki is going to be the Guardian Angel thati need to pull through it. Hopefully life will change.

So here we are, at the beginning of this journey.

This is my story....

[Darien92]

Hi suzi my name is Tina I am a memeber of viki's site.I have read your post.
 First of all I want to say you have taken the biggest step towards you healing.By getting in touch with viki who is an amazing personf anyone will get you through this difficult time in you life it will be Viki.
  I would like to  tell you a little about my self and then tell you the impact Viki has had in my life.
   I am a single mom I have 2 boys ages 10 and 12 and I also have a daughter who is 5.I did have to older sons  Aaron 24 and Darien14 they have passed in the last 21/2 years
  They passed 13 months apart it has been very difficult road for me and my surviving  children. My son Darien was a victim of underage drinking he had a
 very hard time dealing with the death of his brother Aaron he didnt talk much about his feelings he acted out.He turned to drugs and ligor to solve his problems.By him making this choice has cause me great pain and also to his brothers and sister.I think he didnt relize what his actions would do or the impact it would have on his family.
  so try to rember any choices you make for yourself not only effect you but also your love ones around you.
  Viki  has been an amazing god send to me she has help ma my journey an easier one. I have just recently found out  I have bladder cancer and have to have surgery soon to remove my bladder, so this is another road and journey I  must travel,but knowing viki will be there with me, my journey will
 be an easier  one .She is an amazing lady put your trust and heart in her.

[beka]

Hi Suzi

you certainly sound like you're in a lot of pain and my heart goes out to you.

I wonder if you may allow me to tell you a little of my story.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression after the birth of my first child over 9 years ago. She was a very difficult child, a poor sleeper, feeder and cried of most of her waking hours in the first few months.

I went to a GP who prescribed an antidepressant, I was a little unsure of using it at first, but in the end figured that it couldn't hurt. Well, I was wrong. Within only days I began a dissent into a nightmare that would continue for two years. What happened first was panic attacks, which were attributed to a worsening of what was considered only mild PND. The doctor told me the antidepressant hadn't yet worked and that is why I was getting worse. He increased the medication, added more. Within only a week or so more I was cutting myself, I had this rage inside of me that could only be temporarily put at bay by seeing blood. Keep in mind this all stemmed from simply feeling sleep deprived and overwhelmed dealing with a difficult new born with little help.

I was continually told that the antidepressants wouldn't have taken effect for as long as four weeks, so when, by about the third week I was becoming suicidal and was intent on self harm, feeling ever increasingly violent, enraged and becoming suicidal, no one yet thought to suspect the drugs, including the doctor.

All of this destructive behaviour became mingled with the exact opposite and my mood would swing from one of deep despair to one of elation - this I later found out was classic antidepressant induced mania - something that is highly recognised and documented.

To cut a long story short, after two years of being called a 'medication non-responder' I discovered that antidepressants are linked to all the things that had happened to me. After weaning, very very slowly, I made a full and complete recovery. That was six years ago. I've even now had a second baby and no sign of all the terrible stuff while on antidepressants. I must say though that coming off the particular antidepressant I was on took 9 months cos to do so any quicker I risked shocking psychological side effects as well.

Please know I am making no assumptions about whether or not you have been given medication, nor am I saying that medication can't help people and I recongnise that in some cases it really can. And you certainly don't have to comment on anything I've said here at all.

I just want to let you know that I know what it feels like to have those terrible urges to turn on yourself and self harm.

If anything I've said here resonates, you might want to check out the following forum www.antidepressantawareness.com

I'm wishing for you a speedy improvement.

[SuziNZ]

Hi suzi my name is Tina I am a memeber of viki's site.I have read your post.
 First of all I want to say you have taken the biggest step towards you healing.By getting in touch with viki who is an amazing personf anyone will get you through this difficult time in you life it will be Viki.
  I would like to  tell you a little about my self and then tell you the impact Viki has had in my life.
   I am a single mom I have 2 boys ages 10 and 12 and I also have a daughter who is 5.I did have to older sons  Aaron 24 and Darien14 they have passed in the last 21/2 years
  They passed 13 months apart it has been very difficult road for me and my surviving  children. My son Darien was a victim of underage drinking he had a
 very hard time dealing with the death of his brother Aaron he didnt talk much about his feelings he acted out.He turned to drugs and ligor to solve his problems.By him making this choice has cause me great pain and also to his brothers and sister.I think he didnt relize what his actions would do or the impact it would have on his family.
  so try to rember any choices you make for yourself not only effect you but also your love ones around you.
  Viki  has been an amazing god send to me she has help ma my journey an easier one. I have just recently found out  I have bladder cancer and have to have surgery soon to remove my bladder, so this is another road and journey I  must travel,but knowing viki will be there with me, my journey will
 be an easier  one .She is an amazing lady put your trust and heart in her.

Hi Tina,

Thanks for your reply.
I am sorry about your loss and about your pain. It is something that i can never imagine, yet it is your reality.

But you know what? You are a survivour. You and your family maybe down, but you all are certainly not out, and the strength that comes with you comes from within, from the heart.
Have the strength, and the belief that things will get better with you and your family. There is no way your sons intended to leave you in so much pain, and i have no doubt that they love you a lot and are now your own guardian angels.

Yes, i agree - Vicki is a Godsend.
My first lot of sessions, saw a improvement and i was happier, had goals and focus. But then, due to unforseen circumstances, we both kept missing each other and then life just spirialed out of control and i wanted to die.

After the past 2 sessions, i am a lot happier now, and i am a lot more positive.
I'm starting to deal with my issues instead of ignoring them.
I guess this is why i am writing my diary - so it proves to peole that don't believe, that it does work, and to encourage those who need a direction to ask for help.

~Blessings~

[SuziNZ]

Hi Suzi

you certainly sound like you're in a lot of pain and my heart goes out to you.

I wonder if you may allow me to tell you a little of my story.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression after the birth of my first child over 9 years ago. She was a very difficult child, a poor sleeper, feeder and cried of most of her waking hours in the first few months.

I went to a GP who prescribed an antidepressant, I was a little unsure of using it at first, but in the end figured that it couldn't hurt. Well, I was wrong. Within only days I began a dissent into a nightmare that would continue for two years. What happened first was panic attacks, which were attributed to a worsening of what was considered only mild PND. The doctor told me the antidepressant hadn't yet worked and that is why I was getting worse. He increased the medication, added more. Within only a week or so more I was cutting myself, I had this rage inside of me that could only be temporarily put at bay by seeing blood. Keep in mind this all stemmed from simply feeling sleep deprived and overwhelmed dealing with a difficult new born with little help.

I was continually told that the antidepressants wouldn't have taken effect for as long as four weeks, so when, by about the third week I was becoming suicidal and was intent on self harm, feeling ever increasingly violent, enraged and becoming suicidal, no one yet thought to suspect the drugs, including the doctor.

All of this destructive behaviour became mingled with the exact opposite and my mood would swing from one of deep despair to one of elation - this I later found out was classic antidepressant induced mania - something that is highly recognised and documented.

To cut a long story short, after two years of being called a 'medication non-responder' I discovered that antidepressants are linked to all the things that had happened to me. After weaning, very very slowly, I made a full and complete recovery. That was six years ago. I've even now had a second baby and no sign of all the terrible stuff while on antidepressants. I must say though that coming off the particular antidepressant I was on took 9 months cos to do so any quicker I risked shocking psychological side effects as well.

Please know I am making no assumptions about whether or not you have been given medication, nor am I saying that medication can't help people and I recongnise that in some cases it really can. And you certainly don't have to comment on anything I've said here at all.

I just want to let you know that I know what it feels like to have those terrible urges to turn on yourself and self harm.

If anything I've said here resonates, you might want to check out the following forum www.antidepressantawareness.com

I'm wishing for you a speedy improvement.

Hi Beka,

Thank you for your well wishes and your kind words.

I'm not on any anti depressants at the moment - i just don't believe in them!
I was on them about 3 years ago, and when they kicked in, they were awesome! But after 6 weeks after they worked, it did a complete 180 degrees and i was worsed off. I wanted to die, had my funeral plans organised and wanted to kill myself.
I went off them, cos i knew that wasn't right.

I'm happy that you are a lot better, and have overcome your desire to selfharm. It's a horrible place to be, but it's good to be on the other side of it.

Thanks for your support and understanding
~Blessings~

[SuziNZ]

I've had 2 sessions since my last post.
And there has been a vast improvement.

I woke up yesterday, and i had so much hate in me i couldn't believe that it was humanly possible to feel that way. But i just hated my mother so much, i wanted to disown her and move away.

You see, my mother and i have had a lot of issues. I grew up seeing her push me aside while my older cousin became her 'surrigant eldest daughter', whom she was 'so proud of, she can do no wrong'.
I remember being told to get out of the rooms they were in, so they could spend time together.

My mother acknowledge that she did this, but never really apologised for it. As far as she is concerned, it's over. But she ignores the fact of the unwantedness and hurt that i felt during that time.
Its cos of that, i have never felt as though i belonged, in life or anywhere.

I don't know why it was her that i just hated. I grew up in fear of my father. He had an abusive childhood, and he didn't break the cycle and i got more or less the same.
Perhaps it was just that i accepted that more than my mother favourising everyone else but me.


I would say that it was late in the afternoon, that i no longer felt the hate. But up until that time, i just didn't want to be around mum. She pissed me off, and just didn't have a clue.

Things slowly settled though, and by the time i talked to Vicki last night, i was ok towards my mother.
Perhaps it is part of the process? That everything that i have 'locked away' are coming to the surface so i have to deal with them?

TODAY:
a early bird start - the first time in over 6 weeks, that i had work that started at 7am. But for some reason, i was unbelievably happy and made all the residents i got ready for breakfast all smile and laugh.
I did that well, i finished a hour earlier doing the cares of the ones that i had to do!
I was laughing, and joking and even singing (i am surprised that the windows didn't break!). And i am supposingly am going to the pub with 3 of the residents - my shout - because they were so good today - hahaha
Its good to feel wanted, and loved by people.

So, so far, after 2 days, life is better than it was since my last post.
I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

[Shell]

Hi suzi,
My name is shell.. I am so pleased you have finally had a little bit of a reprieve.  Know that all that are on Vicki's site are here to help you anyway we can.

If at anytime you need to just chat your welcome to contact me. I will always be avaliable to you.

Vicki has done some amazing work on me and if it not for her I dont know where I would be. so please trust in Vicki and she will help you know end.

Again anytime you need to chat please feel free to contact me.

Sending Shell hugs to you..